Thoughts about the 2014 Election

Now that the election is over and we have finished compiling our holiday wish list, we would like to share our thoughts about this year's mid-term elections.

Here are the take-aways we think everyone will agree on:

It's well-known that political capital has a short shelf life, and therefore must be spent quickly. In keeping with this principle, we are taking steps to turn the 2014 GOP mandate into Koch dollars the action that the public deserves:

For sure, we have a lot of work ahead, but we have a bumper crop of GOP Senators and Representatives to harvest!

Our Christmas List

What do you give someone who has everything? Tough question, but lucky for you holiday shoppers, we have always kept an ambitious wish list.

Obviously, that’s a lot to ask for all at once. Fortunately, the actuarial tables indicate that I have have another 9.3 years and David has another 12.2 years to complete our utopian dreams. Even better, those tables are for the average American, so it includes a lot of low income people who breathe and drink the toxic air and water near Koch Industries facilities.

This meaningfully reduces the lifespans of low-income people who can’t afford to move far away from us, so David and I should get at least a few extra years to complete our bucket list.

At any rate, we do have our priorities, and some of our goals lead naturally to others, so without further ado, here’s what we really want for Christmas this year and in 2015:

Taking Candy from a Baby

There's only one thing more satisfying than taking candy from a baby: Taking all the candy from all the babies!!

That's really what our epic battle against climate change mitigation is all about. As you know, our philosophy does not allow us to sacrifice anything for the good of others, or for society as a whole. That would be evil. so we fight like hell to keep dumping CO2 into the air, and confusion into the "climate debate".

Now James Hansen comes along, claiming that the Constitution requires the government to preserve the air and soil for future generations, as part of a "public trust doctrine". We've gotten a lower Court to rule that he's wrong - they say that's the States' responsibility. We like that ruling, since it's a lot easier to fight these things at the State level. But Mr. Hansen is now petitioning the Supreme Court to challenge that ruling.

Of course, we have no intention of leaving any candy for future babies, or even the youngsters running around in diapers right now.

We probably need to start a new astroturf group called "Protecting America's Children" to fight this challenge. The first step would be to engage a PR Firm that specializes in this sort of campaign.

Here are the two that come to mind, but there are others:

Of course, the next step is to get another really strong representative on the Supreme Court.

We're working on that - stay tuned!

 

How David and I started the Tea Party way back in 2002

Here is a thrilling account of how Koch Industries, Big Tobacco and some of our oil and chemical polluotcrat pals created the Tea Party in 2002 as a fake grassroots organization - long before the 2008 financial crisis gave us a chance to hijack the GOP's agenda. The idea was to oppose anti-smoking laws, tobacco taxes, pollution regulations - all the things that have brought America to its knees.

Normally, we don't read medical journals - we are not scientists - but this story has all the drama and excitement you could want in a blockbuster movie. Maybe Atlas Shrugged Part 4.

David and I would play ourselves of course, and Scarlett Johansson would play Dagny. What's that you say Scarlett - "No way in f#$@ing hell"?. Sorry dear, we've bought your contract, so you have to do this movie if you want to keep working. Libertarianism has consequences.

Did you know Congressmen are not scientists?

Republican candidates would doubt the existence of their own mothers if we made it worth their while.

For now, we're content to have them question basic science so we can monetize all the fossil fuels we have a stake in. Sorry kids, but we've got deep pockets, so we get to make the rules.

The Colbert Report
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The GOP is totally certain that doing something about climate change would lead to economic devastation and job losses - even though there is no science at all to support that "hypothesis". That was our idea. Thanks guys - keep up the good work.

Did you hear the Koch Brothers Just Spent a Ton of Money to Advertise on Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”?

OK, this really did happen, but it turned out to be a poor investment. Their response was not what we had hoped, but we will continue to look for other hostile public figures to intimidate invest in.

The Daily Show
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They had the never to ridicule our ad – making a mockery of the wholesome Heartland Values we espouse. Needless to say we don’t know what they were talking about. Still, we can always add this to the list of ‘liberal causes’ we have supported ;)
                                                              

Tom Steyer and the Right to Free Speech

Democrats have expelled a great deal of hot air trying to create outrage about a supposed plot by billionaire conservatives like us to purchase American democracy for our own nefarious purposes. Now we find out that Tom Steyer has publicly acknowledged spending at least $55 million to defeat Republicans in the 2014 midterms.

What hypocrisy!! Neither the Kochs nor any of our fellow conservative pollutocrats have been stupid enough to disclose all the money we have spent training our puppets supporting our candidates. We have single-handedly created an entire black market of dark money to conceal our support. Based on official public records, Tom is outspending the conservatives. Since perception is reality in politics, we win again. The discerning reader will also recognize that we have created a whole new industry - hundreds of jobs for journalists trying to trace how our money is getting from our accounts into the pockets of candidates.