Now that the election is over and we have finished compiling our holiday wish list, we would like to share our thoughts about this year's mid-term elections.
Here are the take-aways we think everyone will agree on:
- The hundreds of millions that David and I invested directly in the GOP has been extraordinarily successful in getting right-thinking congressmen elected.
- Strategic redistricting has greatly enhanced our gains: While we won 52 percent of the popular vote, we gained 57 percent of seats in the House.
- The G.O.P. walked away with a resounding mandate to roll back Obama administration excesses.
It's well-known that political capital has a short shelf life, and therefore must be spent quickly. In keeping with this principle, we are taking steps to turn the 2014 GOP mandate into
Koch dollars the action that the public deserves:
- Our ALEC astroturf group has invited our loyal friends to a retreat where we will outline the regulatory changes that the public has been crying out for. Their SPN sister group will be pushing to give a "local flavor" to the model "healthy environment policy" proposals:
- Shut down the EPA and leave regulation to state agencies that SPN can quietly influence.
- Prevent Obama's carbon rules from being implemented. Spin this as the idea that protecting the young and unborn should be done by Congress or the states - not the president. Obviously, we won't allow Congress or the States to do it either.
- Expand offshore drilling.
- Eliminate regulation of so-called "toxins" like benzene.
- Force the EPA to rely on experts from the industries they regulate, and inject industry spin into every area of regulation.
- Teach climate denial in schools
- We will reign in any republicans who might think it's now OK to acknowledge the science of climate change or - God forbid - propose letting Obama do anything about it.
- Lindsay Graham has been making noises again about how this is a real concern that the GOP should "have a position on".
- He obviously has forgotten who he actually works for, but let there be no question that we will remind him forcefully in the primaries. He will fall in line again like he did four years ago - you can bet the house on it.
- We are working on a plan to do for the presidency what we have done for the House of Representatives. It's complicated, and frankly we don't want you to understand it, but if we get it we're pretty sure we can walk away with the Presidency with only 47% of the popular vote.
For sure, we have a lot of work ahead, but we have a bumper crop of GOP Senators and Representatives to harvest!
What do you give someone who has everything? Tough question, but lucky for you holiday shoppers, we have always kept an ambitious wish list.
Obviously, that’s a lot to ask for all at once. Fortunately, the actuarial tables indicate that I have have another 9.3 years and David has another 12.2 years to complete our utopian dreams. Even better, those tables are for the average American, so it includes a lot of low income people who breathe and drink the toxic air and water near Koch Industries facilities.
This meaningfully reduces the lifespans of low-income people who can’t afford to move far away from us, so David and I should get at least a few extra years to complete our bucket list.
At any rate, we do have our priorities, and some of our goals lead naturally to others, so without further ado, here’s what we really want for Christmas this year and in 2015:
- Emasculate the Public Trust Doctrine
- This would be huge. HUGE. Honestly, if we get this one, the other items on our list would fall like dominoes.
- Basically, since the time of the Roman Empire, civilizations have had laws that their governments had to preserve the seas, the water and the air so that the environment would be available for future generations.
- Lawyers are currently suing on behalf of the young and unborn to force the federal government to protect their environment - a dirty trick intended to limit our ability to emit greenhouse gas and other "pollutants". Frankly, substances like benzene, formaldehyde, asbestos, CO2 and dioxin are some of our favorite things, so we'd prefer a term like "chemical wonders".
- One way this could work - and the one we prefer - is for the Supreme Court to rule that there is no proof that government regulations are actually helpful in protecting the environment, and that the Objectivist argument has merit: that self interest combined with the free market's invisible hand will create the best long-term outcome for all. Since we have five of the nine Justices on our side - and two in our pocket - this is really not such a big ask.
- If the Supremes get cold feet about giving so generously this time around, they could simply affirm the DC Circuit Court's ruling that the obligation to future generations is constitutionally delegated to the individual States. The State governments are really easy to push around, so this would work out well for us. Still, managing fifty governments means fifty payrolls and fifty distinct market strategies, which is a burden on company management that could limit our ability to
get even richermaximize profits for shareholders.
- This would be huge. HUGE. Honestly, if we get this one, the other items on our list would fall like dominoes.
- Sabotage the Lima climate talks this year, and the Paris talks in 2015. These talks are the last hope of the environmental wackos that are trying to keep the planet’s climate from warming out of control, and breaching the 2 degree Celsius danger zone. To be frank, nothing we do will have any effect in the next 12.2 years, so we would be guilty of first-degree altruism if we permitted a single dime of Koch profits to stay in the ground for the sake of “posterity.”
- At some point, climate change is obviously going to create big problems, but our preference is that humanity deals with it after we're gone, and that billionaires get to profit handsomely from the chaos that ensues.
- Here are some proven approaches that
weright-thinking grassroots groups we created fundsupport can deploy to ensure the talks break down:
- Get the media to repeat the mantra that Greenpeace, 350.org, the Sierra Club and all the rest are just as greedy as we are, and that they are spending as much money as we are – so they are just hypocrites. It’s not exactly true - these groups are mostly funded by small donors, and anyway why would anyone destroy the planet just to spite liberals - but it has played really well with focus groups.
We could createAn equivalence could emerge in the public mind between environmental groups and climate scientists. Then we could implyit could be implied that the most extreme statements and actions by fringe environmental groups prove that climate scientists are wackos, and thus that global warming is a hoax.
- Some embarrassing things could emerge about climate scientists or environmental groups. Some of our “skeptic tanks” are looking into this, but anonymous tips would be nice stocking stuffers.
- Public comments from KochCongressPuppets™ insinuating that China or Australia or Canada (for example) are not doing their fair share would be very helpful in undermining the public’s apparent desire to find a “solution” to this “problem”, and Fox News could be helpful here too – by focusing on existing prejudices against these countries.
- Our PR consultants have advised us that we don’t have to actually change the public’s mind about this. As long as we create the perception that many Americans don’t feel that other countries are doing their fair share, they will accept it when the GOP Congress does everything in their power to destroy the climate talks.
- These public comments may draw angry responses from the named countries, further reducing the risk of cooperation.
- Cripple the EPA’s ability to implement the Clean Air and Clean Water Acts. These acts are in serious violation of Ayn Rand’s principles – the ONLY way to justify regulations that sacrifice my profits for the public good is if you buy into the idea that billionaires like us have some kind of duty to the collective good – the very definition of collectivism.
- Keep in mind that the beneficiaries of Obama’s carbon rules are mostly under five years old, unborn or foreign. These folks won’t vote in my or David’s lifetime (if ever) – voter ID or not.
- We know we can depend on Mitch McConnell and the other KochCongressPuppets™ to take every opportunity to de-fund the EPA and obstruct their ability to implement the Clean Air/Clean Water Acts – and even to drastically weaken the Acts themselves. The problem is that we don’t yet have enough votes to override a veto, and we don’t yet have a President who would sign something like this.
- So, to get this done anytime soon, we probably need the U.S. Supreme Court to begin delivering on our investment in this area. So far they have found that the EPA not only CAN regulate greenhouse gases, but that they are actually required to do so. They have also found that so far they have been acting constitutionally in HOW they have regulated greenhouse gases.
- At some point they need to start making some calls in our favor, and this year they have another chance to "do the right thing". Citizens United was the sweetest gift we have received in a long time, but Justice Roberts: What have you done for us LATELY?
- Publicly set an example of Lindsey Graham and his talk of Climate Change Policy
- Mr. Graham has apparently forgotten what happens to our GOP KochCongressPuppets™ who forget why they are in Washington.
- Our Americans for Prosperity boy Tim Phillips has reminded all concerned what to expect - and we are fully prepared to spend whatever it takes to drive the lesson home - but our Christmas wish is that a word to the herd will be sufficient.
- Start work on a feature film documenting the great accomplishments of David and myself. We have shown the world how two rugged individualists - armed with nothing but character and determination - have been able to start with nothing and create an enormous empire. Along the way, we have helped countless others to prosper, and demonstrated that when unfettered by government, free-market capitalism invariably leads to limitless economic growth.
- We offer this short video to show in broad strokes how the movie might look. We took some artistic liberties with the ending, as we have no way of knowing how many future heroic exploits we might have in our remaining years, and what utopian glory it will lead to.
There's only one thing more satisfying than taking candy from a baby: Taking all the candy from all the babies!!
That's really what our epic battle against climate change mitigation is all about. As you know, our philosophy does not allow us to sacrifice anything for the good of others, or for society as a whole. That would be evil. so we fight like hell to keep dumping CO2 into the air, and confusion into the "climate debate".
Now James Hansen comes along, claiming that the Constitution requires the government to preserve the air and soil for future generations, as part of a "public trust doctrine". We've gotten a lower Court to rule that he's wrong - they say that's the States' responsibility. We like that ruling, since it's a lot easier to fight these things at the State level. But Mr. Hansen is now petitioning the Supreme Court to challenge that ruling.
Of course, we have no intention of leaving any candy for future babies, or even the youngsters running around in diapers right now.
We probably need to start a new astroturf group called "Protecting America's Children" to fight this challenge. The first step would be to engage a PR Firm that specializes in this sort of campaign.
Here are the two that come to mind, but there are others:
Of course, the next step is to get another really strong representative on the Supreme Court.
We're working on that - stay tuned!
How David and I started the Tea Party way back in 2002
Here is a thrilling account of how Koch Industries, Big Tobacco and some of our oil and chemical polluotcrat pals created the Tea Party in 2002 as a fake grassroots organization - long before the 2008 financial crisis gave us a chance to hijack the GOP's agenda. The idea was to oppose anti-smoking laws, tobacco taxes, pollution regulations - all the things that have brought America to its knees.
Normally, we don't read medical journals - we are not scientists - but this story has all the drama and excitement you could want in a blockbuster movie. Maybe Atlas Shrugged Part 4.
David and I would play ourselves of course, and Scarlett Johansson would play Dagny. What's that you say Scarlett - "No way in f#$@ing hell"?. Sorry dear, we've bought your contract, so you have to do this movie if you want to keep working. Libertarianism has consequences.
Did you know Congressmen are not scientists?
Republican candidates would doubt the existence of their own mothers if we made it worth their while.
For now, we're content to have them question basic science so we can monetize all the fossil fuels we have a stake in. Sorry kids, but we've got deep pockets, so we get to make the rules.
The GOP is totally certain that doing something about climate change would lead to economic devastation and job losses - even though there is no science at all to support that "hypothesis". That was our idea. Thanks guys - keep up the good work.
Did you hear the Koch Brothers Just Spent a Ton of Money to Advertise on Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show”?
OK, this really did happen, but it turned out to be a poor investment. Their response was not what we had hoped, but we will continue to look for other hostile public figures to
intimidate invest in.
They had the never to ridicule our ad – making a mockery of the wholesome Heartland Values we espouse. Needless to say we don’t know what they were talking about. Still, we can always add this to the list of ‘liberal causes’ we have supported ;)
Tom Steyer and the Right to Free SpeechDemocrats have expelled a great deal of hot air trying to create outrage about a supposed plot by billionaire conservatives like us to purchase American democracy for our own nefarious purposes. Now we find out that Tom Steyer has publicly acknowledged spending at least $55 million to defeat Republicans in the 2014 midterms.
What hypocrisy!! Neither the Kochs nor any of our fellow conservative pollutocrats have been stupid enough to disclose all the money we have spent